me

1) Where were you born?

I was born in 79 in Bonneville, a small place in Haute-Savoie, France.
I grew up moving a lot. I lived in the North for a while, then went more in the South.

2) When did you graduate from college?

I got my Master degree in English/American Languages/history and civilization in 2003.

3) Did you choose to get your masters in english so you could come to the United States?

I did choose to study English in High School because since I was 6 or so I wanted to go to a film school in the US.
I think I always kept it in the back of my mind, like one of those things you hold on to because it gives you a goal, but I already realized as I was doing my college studies that it would never happen.

4) Did you plan on coming to the United States at the time?

Again I planned on coming to the USA since I was a kid. But I always thought to myself “you gotta wait till you’re 18”… what can you do when you are a kid?

5) I know you picked English because it was easy but did it have anything to do with music?

No, it didn’t.
But music certainly did help me a lot.
If I was good at English, it is mainly because I would listen mainly to foreign songs and I always wanted to know what they were about. I had to go look up the words in a dictionary so I could understand what the song was about.
The fact that you had to go look for the meaning of the songs you liked gave them a unique feeling of mystery. It was so much cooler than French songs. You could listen to them on two levels:
You could just listen to the song without focusing on its meaning, and just appreciate the music. Or you could be attentive to the words to actually get what it was all about, and since you had to pay much more attention than a native speaker, it would underline the meaning even more and make it even more powerful.
But again I picked English because of films.
I always wanted life to be more than what it was, than just that everyday routine. I wanted life to be like in the movies.
So when I was around 6 I decided that the only way it could be ‘better’ would be by being an actor, because that way I would actually have a chance to live the stories I liked.
Then I switched my interest to becoming a film director, the story teller. I could make life the way I wanted it to be, or show what I didn’t like about it.
The film industry in France being non-existent, I knew I’d have to come to the USA and do it there.
Also American films get more distribution, and there’s no point in telling a story if no one ever gets to listen to it.
That’s why I picked up English in High School. That’s what I wanted to do.
Now I don’t think about it anymore, it’s not what matters to me.

6) Why did you first come to the United States?

I got a passport in 2002 as I was planning to go to Seattle and see a musician playing.
I thought that maybe it’d be my only chance to see him, and his music and lyrics had helped me through bad times.
When I was living by myself, when I had no one to talk to, when I used to walk the streets all night till my legs couldn’t carry me anymore, I’d always have him/his words on my mind. Because it reminded me of myself. It sort of was telling me that I was not alone.
10 days before the Seattle gig, he was found dead at his place of a possible drug overdose.
He had stopped taking drugs for 7 years, and no one knows why that day he went back to it. It’s just like being alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you are never cured, just one glass and its over.
I didn’t get to go to the USA that time.
I came for the first time a couple of months after I got my Master’s degree. My thesis was about that guy.
He used to live at the Chelsea Hotel, NYC for a long time in his life. So as soon as I landed at JFK, I went to the Chelsea and sat in the lobby for a while.7) When was that?
Winter 2003

8) How long did you stay?

89 days.
The maximum one can stay without a VISA is 90 days.

9) Why did you stay?

Why did I stay?
Its more why did I come.
I came because I was tired with my life in France. There was nothing left there for me. I had lived a couple of really bad years and all I wanted was to get out of there.
It’s all about waking up every morning with a feeling of unfulfillment, of not being where you should be, of not doing what you should be doing, of needing more than ‘that’.
That brings us back to me wanting life to be like in the movies.
That’s also why some people go into drugs. But being the arrogant free-mind I am, I never picked up on those.
I never wanted to mess up with my senses, and not even when I was sad. I always thought that I should feel the pain, just to remember that life is about constantly running away from that feeling.
And I always wanted to respect myself/my body/mind when others didn’t.
I was angry for a long time, then I realized I couldn’t live like this. I knew that you don’t get much for being a good person, but I made a vow with myself that I’d be good till the bitter end.
People like me are certainly the ones who get hurt the most, but at least I try to give some sense to all of that.

10) Why did you keep coming back? (to the US cause i know you left at least once.) if you have a story, that would be GREAT.

I came back two times after the first time.
Each time for 89 days. Id spend a couple months in France, and then come back.
Again there was nothing left for me in France. I had long lost track of my friends.
I was lost. Being in the US wasn‘t bad. I could stay for free with people which actually permitted to stay that long and come back.
I dated a girl for a while. And I was also doing a bunch of things like writing etc…
11) When did you get your job at New Paltz?
I started in January 0512) how did you get it? what made you want to take it?
I needed a way to stay in the USA. On my 3rd visit here I got stopped at customs and taken to the police office of the Airport. They gave me a hard time asking why I was coming so much.
They wouldn’t trust a word I said, looked through my wallet, treated me as if I was a liar.
They said it was the last time id ever be allowed to come in the US without a VISA.
I had done nothing against the law, as long as I was staying less than 90 days I was fine, but they didn’t seem to care about that.
They put me on their computer and stuff.
Talk about a way to be welcomed after the long flight, it was really tough to swallow.
One day I walked to SUNY and asked if I could teach French.
I was told that I couldn’t because I’d need an American diploma, but I was offered to come as a student, and teach at the same time.
That way I could get a student visa and stay, and I‘d be allowed to work 20 hours a week.
I never wanted to teach. I always hated to speak in front of people and was always hiding in the back of the classroom.
Teaching sounded so much not like me that I decided to go for it, as a challenge with myself. Just to prove myself that I could do anything. And I did.
When 27 kids started laughing to my jokes every 25 seconds , I thought it was cool.
Then I got to also see the bad parts of the job. Like when sometimes you care more about your students grades than they actually care themselves, etc… You can’t change the world, not that I ever tried, but teaching is not an easy job. And it’s a lot of take-home work, which I don’t like.
I’m glad I did it though, and I got good feedbacks from students which really always mean a lot to me. As a human being talking to other human beings.13) How often do you go to the city?
Depends. I used to go more than I do now, I stopped, then went again, and stopped again.
Its really expensive to get there by bus, and I don’t have a car.
Almost $40 for a round trip, and there is no bus back after 11:30 pm…which means that anytime I go there I’m stuck for the whole night. I have to walk around Manhattan till 7 am.
I used to go sit at Penn Station because it’s the only station open all night, but they don’t really let you do that anymore if you don’t have a ticket. You get kicked out and you’re back in the streets, in the cold, by yourself, with only weirdoes and gangs for company.
Then I still have a 2 hours ride back to New Paltz, and a 30 minutes walk.
This kind of lifestyle soon takes its toll. It’s really bad for you and I haven’t been treating myself with much care in the past. That added to the stress of my life, I’m not in the best health condition.

14) What is going on with your other job, writing?
I wouldn’t call it a job since I’m not really paid.
The reality of music press these days is that unless you are a writer for one of those crappy mainstream mag like Rolling Stone and co, you don’t get a dime.
I can get in for free at gigs, that’s pretty much it. I just say “hey, put me on the guestlist” and generally it works.

15) How did you get in contact with whoever you are working with with that?
A woman who publishes a NY music paper read stuff that I was posting online on forums. I never had the pretension to be a writer or anything. She contacted me because she liked my writings. She offered me to have my own column in her paper.
It took like a year before I finally gave it a shot as she‘d keep asking. I never wanted to write, it just happened, and since they liked it, I kept doing it.
Then I was contacted to be part of the staff of a new mag. It’s published only 3 times a year cause it is 200 pages long, but you can get it all over the place and it comes with a free CD and stuff.
Basically they wanted to do a piece about some band, and the front man of that band (who knew me) said “OK , but I want this guy to do it” and he gave them my name. So the mag contacted me and I did a 4 pages interview with the 5 band members + their producer +the guy of their label + live pictures. I did it in a week, right on time to get it in the first issue.
The 3rd issue just got published and I have 4 pages in it as well with pictures.
I started taking pictures when I started writing articles, so I could get them printed as well.
I work with a normal camera, I don’t own a digital. I have a small zoom which is enough for what I’m doing.

16) How do you get to interview the bands?
Mostly I write articles cause that’s more my thing. Interviews are done via e-mail generally cause I don’t like to bug people at shows and I don’t have a phone


17) Did you know about them from France or when you got here?
The NY paper knew about me when I was still in France and touring with some bands.
But It took a year or so before I agreed to give it a shot, and by that time I was in NY for the first time.

18) Did you do things like that is France?
No. I was only posting stuff online on some forums. I never wanted to write.
I used to write for myself, but this had nothing to do with music and it was in French.
Writing was always a painful experience, because I’d only write when I wasn’t feeling OK, and writing would just be part of that feeling.
These are the days when I wrote my best stuff.
I’ve never been a fan of myself. But I know I wrote some very good things when I was at the bottom. I threw everything away a couple years ago. I was feeling different back then, I thought I should get rid of my past. But it doesn’t work that way.
Now I wish I had kept those things, but they are gone forever, just like the pieces of me that were dying as I was writing them…so I guess that it makes some sort of sense.
I keep saying that I want to quit writing for mags and being around the music scene. I’m fed up with it. Most of the music scene sucks nowadays anyway, but worse than that, it is a world of fakeness.
Musicians/fans aren’t good people to be around. All you get is that you lose some more illusions about this world.
Oh yeah, they greet you, they are happy to see you, but do they care?
In years I’ve been around I can honestly say that only a couple actually do.
I hate all the groupie thing. And I can’t stand all the self-pity, misery that goes along with the scene. Those people do everything to screw up, might it be conscious or not. I want to stay away from that.
People think its cool, and that’s sad.
They’d do everything to be part of the masquerade. To each their own.

19) Is the music scene different in the US and France?
The US being bigger, its more diversified. In France you have three types of mainstream things, and back when I was a teenager if you didn’t stick up to those you’d be an outcast.

20) Do you plan on staying here for another year?
My VISA is still good till next January. Then who knows if I can get another one.21) Why would you want to stay?

Because the things I’ve got are here now. I would go back to nothing.
Its been two semester that I’ve been thinking about leaving, because due to my situation I’ve been constantly stressed and worn out. Then at the end of last semester I got offered to write a book about the NY underground rock scene of the 70s/early 80’s…so It gave me a reason to stay.
It turns out that I barely have any time to work on that when I can’t even afford to have my own place. So I don’t know if it will ever happen.
Do I even want to do it? Nope, I only want to do it cause I was offered to do it. I keep doing too many things to keep my mind occupied, that’s why I work on a million projects.
I also met a girl whom I am now dating and she‘s the most amazing person to me, so of course I don‘t want to leave.

22) Why would you want to leave?
Not that I don’t want to stay, but can I?
I’m staying with people who let me stay for free, but I have to share a room with a kid. I know this can’t last forever, and then where am I gonna go.
It seems virtually impossible to get a work visa or any kind of paper that would allow me to stay for good. So what can I do. It’s very frustrating.
But What I have now makes me want to keep going through all the worrying. That’s why I’m not leaving.

23) Did you ever think in the past that this would be what you are doing?
No.
Not at all.
I didn’t think I’d come here. I didn’t think I’d get to do those things.
Life is a weird and chaotic journey. It’s been quite a ride so far with some positive and some negative aspects.

24) What do you miss about France?
Maybe the past. The kid I used to be.
And by being in the USA I have to accept the fact that I won’t get to do things with my parents anymore.
I never really talked to them when I was a teenager, in fact I never really got to be a teenager.
Now I regret that I can’t spend time with them, but that’s the life I chose.
Sometimes I joke in class and say ‘if my mom could see me’, well she can’t.

25) Was it hard to get where you are now in the US?
It’s hard.
Life is like being in a quick-sand, you have two options.
Either you try to save yourself and the more you do it the faster you drown, or you just don’t move, and wait in the hope that someone’s gonna show up and get ya outta here. If you don’t move you don’t drown as fast. But who’s gonna show up and save you?
I’d rather try to save myself even If I know it means that I’ll hit the bottom sooner, cause at least I can say I tried.
Sometimes I feel that its hard to be at peace, because at any minute it can all end. Because I have to deal with it on my own, and that no one will or can do anything for me. I’m not sure what I can hope for.
If I had papers to stay and that would allow me to work, it’d be another story. Or maybe if I had been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but if I had then I wouldn’t be who I am and therefore wouldn’t be where I am.
People always tell me ‘oh you are so lucky that you did this and that’…to my tribute I’d say that it only happened because I made it happen. Its not always that easy, but sometimes it works.
What bothers me is that I am judged on that. People think its ‘cool’, when it truly isn’t. If I hadn’t done those things, people wouldn’t look at me the same way. That’s the sad part of it all. I would be the same person, but who would care.
Another important thing is that anything you do in life doesn’t mean much if you can’t share it.
People think that you can judge success through what someone does, but it is just a scam.
The only thing that ever matters is other people.
If you don’t have anyone in your life, you can be on stage singing with your favorite musicians, you can publish anything you want, you can get to record a song or even teach at SUNY…it’s nice, but it leaves a bitter taste.
That’s something you can only know if you experienced it. Most people don’t get how precious those things are, cause they always have had someone they could call.
You gotta live the blues to play the blues.
You gotta go hungry to feel happy for any food you get.
You gotta know what it feels like to have-not to fully appreciate getting something.
So when you’re doing this article about me, it’s not about me, but about what I did/am doing.
And those things aren’t “cool“, and they truly don’t mean a thing by themselves.
They don’t matter. They are not who I am.
I’m just a guy, my only belongings are a bunch of clothes that can fit in one travel bag, one pair of sneakers, a bass guitar, my leather jacket and my camera.
I have memories like anyone, of faces, of events, of things I did, or wish I had had the guts to do.
And it’s true, I did things that many people will never get to do, and when I talk about it it sounds like something out of a movie.
So I guess I ended up having the life that I thought I wanted, something like In the movies…and now that I had it I realize that it’s not what I really wanted.
There’s a couple people in my heart, and they are all that matters to me. All the things I’ve done and which looked like what some people dream to do could vanish tomorrow, that wouldn’t bother me one bit.
But if I lose those people, I lose everything.

Long ago when I was still living in France I was walking by myself on an afternoon. I used to have long hair and I wasn’t shaved. I was mad at the world and looked the part.
As I passed by a park which was on the other side of the street, there was this little girl sitting on a slide. She waved at me and smiled.
A true smile from a child, no judgment, despite what I looked like. Pure innocence.
I think that’s when I realized what life should be.
I waved back and smiled.
Personal achievement only has the importance that one gives to it.

And my biggest ambition in life is to make the one I love happy.

A real smile…that’s the best thing one can get in life.